Wednesday, 24 August 2011

My growth and a brick wall!!!

When you decide to do something that is out of the ordinary , like homeschooling, lots of people have opinions and lots are horrified. When I decided to homeschool people thought I was mad. People thought that because I had suffered anxiety that this would be the undoing of me. People thought that my kids would suffer socially. Caring people in my community shared their concerns with me that at the time hurt me because I felt that they lacked faith in me and my abilities :(. I have since moved on...But this lack of support and belief in what I was about to do placed in me a need to prove myself!

This is not a good way to start a new adventure. This attitude meant that I had to achieve no matter what!! These people were not going to be right! So when asked how homeschooling was going, I would paint the most beautiful picture ever :) It didn't matter if I had been so stressed, frustrated or mad that day (or even a second before), they had to believe homeschooling was fantastic!! And it is, don't get me wrong, but there are challenges and difficult days. Being new to homeschooling there is so much stuff to work out with school, home, discipline, housework, my heart and character and lots more. I needed to have given myself time to make mistakes, to not have everything perfect and not have to pretend, but talk openly about all of my experiences. My homeschool is not perfect and nor am I. God has been fantastic at reminding me of this :).

I have hit a brick wall :(. Trying to prove yourself is exhausting. Trying to have everything right is exhausting. Hiding all the struggles inside is stressful :( . Trying to overplan your day is tiring for all. But you know what the brick wall has helped. It has been coming for a term and a half, and I am so glad it has arrived. When I first hit, I was astounded, I felt defeated, I threw my arms up (not in giving up, just exasperation) and I stopped :)

God has been working on my heart. And the wall is all part of this plan. I am very thankful for the wall :) This is what i have learned through prayer, devotionals, other people God has brought across my heart and His small still voice:

1) I am not perfect
2) My kids aren't perfect
3) Ask my husband (stop trying to everything alone), submit to him as leader and let him lead in all areas. God is conditioning my heart for this :) I need His help lol.
4) Love is patient, kind, thinks of others before self.
5) Take time to think about our everyday reactions and choices to different situations, people and attitudes, needs. Think about this in line with what i am learning about love.
6) Homeschool does not need to be filled to the brim, just the basics. This is what suits my family and I (may be different for others :)). And then what the kids are interested in. Be flexible and enjoy :)
7) Spend time playing and enjoying kids (not all day - housework needs to be done too).

And in all of this I am not going to be perfect, but I know that if I am flexible then imperfect days will summon time to stop, not keep going!! And most importantly I know that God is in it with me and He will help me. He assured me I will find my feet, so I hope this is the beginning of that happening. And when someone asks how homeschool is, I will be honest about it :, the ups and the downs. But you know what even through the tough times for our family homeschool is best as we have had some awesome adventures already :) And we are learning heaps about ourselves and each other :)

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