Wednesday, 31 August 2011

Taking time to snuggle

I had a wonderful experience today. A very simple but satisfying plus fulfilling experience. It cost nothing. It was free. And it was the best experience in the world. Everyone has them to give and everyone can receive them. They are free for all. SNUGGLES!!!

Over the past 4 years I have suffered some kind of anxiety which was related to having babies. My anxiety is not the type to cause panic attacks or sleepless nights, or constantly worrying about everything as such (there is a bit of that!). I don't even know if I am using the right words to describe what I have had. My disorder (for a better word?) causes me to be unaffectionate, unsupportive, harsh with my words, withdrawing from those who want a piece of my attention because it is too much. I just want things to be done so I would shout and offer no support. And then when all is finished at night I feel really bad :( I didn't want to spend time doing anything quality time with the kids unless it was on my terms or pre- organised. Also it affected outside of the home relationships because I couldn't hold a conversation, I couldn't relate. Then this made me paranoid that they thought I was an idiot, so then I wouldn't want to speak to them because I was embarrassed or in my mind I would be cranky. I would be snappy and not handle criticism. I was not in a good way. My disorder affected all of my relationships. But I could still function, running home, playgroup, looking after kids, I just couldn't relate.

Now after 23 months since the birth of my youngest, and since beginning homeschooling, but especially since I have relaxed into homeschooling, and through the lessons God is teaching me about love, I am now building relationships.

God is great. He has turned my heart home. He has turned my eyes home. He is working with me on relationships. He is healing my hurts. He is teaching me to love. He is working with me on character. I am changing and although this process can be painful, I am so excited. I am feeling a joy that I have always known but now feel deeply. I am now able to stop, sit, listen, enjoy and snuggle my kids without wanting to find a distraction for me to go to.

Josef was a little suky yesterday. He woke up from his sleep, still sleepy but just wanted a snuggle. In the past I would have made him go back to sleep, as it was all too much!! He would have screamed! And I would have wanted to! But I didn't do this, I picked him up and carried him out and we snuggled. We snuggled for a long time, it was warm, it was deeply satisfying and I didn't want it to end. I was comfortable, relaxed and wasn't wanting to put him down.

When he was a baby, I didn't want to be holding him all the time, I didn't want him to become to get into the bad habit of wanting to be carried everywhere, never wanting to be put down. I needed space :( It was a horrible time, I was stressed and not coping. I wanted sleep. I wanted to enjoy my children. I wanted to enjoy my husand, but I couldn't and I was screaming for help on the inside (and sometimes on the outside). But I am changing and I am now ejoying all of my family.

Always remember a snuggle is free and it is important. God is always with us and always willing to help, encourage and help us to grow/heal. He is a great, loving God. Call out to Him today :)

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